Zippers on waders...

My first design for what I dubbed “The Pisscalator” was straightforward - twenty feet of garden hose, attached to Willy (William if you are formal) through an external catheter. The hose then goes up your waders, over your left shoulder and trails behind you. Discrete, flexible, and fool-proof -- unless, as I did, you fall in the water, the hose wedges between some rocks, and you are dangling downstream, the water filling your waders, hanging from ---

Clearly, my Pisscalator "Mark I" required some minor tweaking. First, the hose needed shortening, I cut it to reach only to my calves. However, in my first test I noticed that I no longer had the propulsive force of youth, so in Pisscalator "Mark II" I installed a small, battery-driven vacuum pump that tapped into the line and hung from a shoulder strap.

For my first trial of the Mark II, I chose the well-known Shopping Cart Pool. Nature called when I was mid-river and science answered. Confident that a sufficient amount of liquid had entered through the catheter, I switched the vacuum pump on... and experienced the most unusual sensation. Perhaps it was disconcerting to my fellow anglers to have someone shouting "Yes, Yes, oh Yes." while fishing. One lad called out to me, "What pattern?"; "Pisscalator" I screeched back.

I began designing Mark III. I think Mark II has certain positive properties but not in the nature of rises I expect when fishing.

I'm making good progress on Pisscalator MIV. I experienced certain difficulties with Pisscalator Mark III that will impede its sale on the market.

So, testing was yesterday on the local river. There was only one elderly gentleman sitting on the bank to witness the great event -- the birth of a new invention and freedom for the bladder oppressed. I waded out through a stiff current to the middle of the river and then stood there waiting for nature to call. After an hour without so much as an email from nature, I was ready to head home, hoping for more luck on the morrow. No sooner was I in the middle of the current on some slippery rocks than I felt the urgent call of nature. Rather than put her on voicemail and go home, I took the test, though balanced rather precariously. Sure that I had a good flow in the hose, I reached up with the hand holding the staff and turned the flow valve on the O2 to FULL.

In hindsight I should have used the other hand; the staff was the only thing keeping me upright. Falling backwards into deep water, I felt my body lift and suddenly speed headfirst upriver. The O2 was screaming out of the hose strapped to my thigh, impelling me at incredible speed. I made it through the rapids unscathed, and straight on through the first pool; it was the curve at the end that stopped me. Fortunately a patch of soft mud, sharp rocks, and small trees slowed me before I struck the rocky bank headfirst.

Pisscalator Mark IV is progressing well.