Fishing Humor

A friend, and superb fly-tier, was lamenting to me today that whenever he used duck quills he could always find plenty of usuable quills on the left wing, but fewer on the right. Immediately I understood the complete global implications of this information -- ducks don't actually migrate, but their stronger left wing causes them to fly in very large circles, of which we only detect the resting points...

There is something in fly fishing that breeds curmudgeons. Almost from the first day a young fellow (that is a typical expression from the "Angling Curmudgeon"; many would like to say "feller" but it doesn't flow properly when the owner drives a Beemer) takes the long rod in hand -- thereby instantly transforming himself into a magnet for every fly fisherman over forty, who must immediately impart angling advice -- the neophyte looks forward to the day when he, in turn, can be an Angling Curmudgeon.

As a number of readers wanted to procure the Pisscalator Mark IV, I thought that I should issue the results of my field test. (see "Zippers on Waders...")

For those who are unfamiliar with the Pisscalator concept, the purpose of the invention is to allow a gentleman angler to continue fishing when the water in which he was standing is deep, and the fluid in his bladder is registering "FULL". No longer will it be necessary for the angler to wade back to shore, find a convenient (and discrete) tree, and partially disrobe in order to respond to Nature's urgent call -- the Pisscalator allows the fisherman to blithely fish and micturate simultaneously.

While wandering the aisles of my local fly shop in search of a half-price sale on Blue Chatterer, or Condor Quills three-for-a-dollar, I encountered a rack of chest-high fishing waders ornamented with a waterproof zipper in the front. Imagine, I thought, being able to stand up to your waist in fast water, thirty feet (but twenty minutes of wading) from shore, and you can relieve yourself without problems! But how did they design it so that you can unzip without water pouring in?

As I pondered that question, a thought surfaced in my mind, wallowed for a moment (disoriented in the unfamiliar environment) and then fled. But this momentary flash of insight was sufficient to provide a simple solution to that ageless angling dilemma – incontinence midstream.

It is apparent that I need to provide more details concerning the intricacies of fishing with nymphs. Several readers asked pertinent questions regarding the practice... although most questions were decidedly impertinent.

One reader asked "Is there any benefit in using more than one nymph?"

Answer: No. Use only one nymph at a time.

Below is an example of a Greek bluegill angler fishing with too many nymphs --

I'm sure you can see his problem. First, he is trying to net his fish in all those lily-pads, very difficult; then, he obviously thought that using more than one nymph would be advantageous, how wrong...

As some have assumed that I have a ready knowledge of fishing, I regularly get mail asking such questions as:

What is "fishing with nymphs"?

I will therefore address this burning question. There is typically a grevious misunderstanding about fishing with nymphs. First, as to the type of nymph. You should choose the nymph according to the type of fishing. Please peruse the following list:

Types of Nymphs and Major Nymph Names
Nymphs (pl. nymphai) are mythological nature spirits that appear as beautiful young women. They are divided into types:

Dryads (forests)
Naiads (springs and rivers)
Nereid (the Mediterranean)
Oceanids (the sea)
Oreads (mountains)
Limoniads (meadows)
Limniads (lakes, marshes and swamps)
Napaea (valleys)
Although long-lived many nymphs can die. Nymphs can cause metamorphoses and can change women into nymphs.

or
The Essential Articles, Adjuncts, Appurtenances, and Apparel
for the Successful Angling of Trout
By
Percy Blythe Sydney-Todd, III ODS

Well, Overmywaders (OMW) came to me last week and said he needed me to "blog" for him, just this once. I said I had never done it; had of course heard of it in my youth at Eton; admitted to knowing a sweet Nellie or two; but was not inclined so. He graciously informed me that "blogging" was simply writing about something, that all you really needed was a good subtitle and you are right as rain. As you can see, I have achieved the primary objective -- ODS is not really a title, but rather something the chaps used to call me. They told me it stands for "Offally Decent Sort"...

It is said that all anglers are liars. I deny that charge, I believe that anglers simply view the material world in a different, more open-minded way than the common man. We see the potential in all things, the spirit of life springing forth endlessly. We know that the fish we release today might, to the unenlightened gaze and the harsh reality of a tape measure, be only ten inches long -- but we see more.